Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
