How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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