Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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