i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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