I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
