It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
