I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
