remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
