She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
