my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
