next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
