Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
