I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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