Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
