Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
