I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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