just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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