so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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