$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
