dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
