My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
