i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
