I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
