Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
