I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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