I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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