i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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