My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
