Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
