That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
