Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
