finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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