I haven't been this sober since birth.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
