We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
