Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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