Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
