Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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