dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
