me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we're so committed to being not committed
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
