i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
