I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
