I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
