and she was petting her beer can
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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