So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
