"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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