it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
