clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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