You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
