going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
