I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
