I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's Friday. Sex?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
