My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
FUCK WHALES
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
