I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
