is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
is that a dick in a sweater?
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