I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
