i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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