Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Randomize
