I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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