I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
