I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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