He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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