i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
