Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
