That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
