I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
