Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
