I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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