I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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