she looked like the before picture.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
